The Truth Of Fairy Tales
by Sovrani
Summary: Basically a random fic pointing out the problems in fairy tales. READ IT YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! Starring characters from the Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter fandom. NEW CHAPTER: Little Red Riding Hood. On hold AGAIN.
1. Rapunzel

**(Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl and any related characters belong to Eoin Colfer. Rapunzel belongs to someone else who isn't me)**

**(A/N: Me and my friend Lozza made this up when we were playing totem tennis. Again with the totem tennis XD anyway, we were seriously hyper on chocolate and it was past midnight)**

_**RAPUNZEL**_

Sovrani: -bursts into room- Hey there!

Lozza: ... I am not here

Sovrani: -confused- how come I can hear you?

Lozza: You're the Authoress, you have to announce my arrival.

Sovrani: Ah yes. Indeed. How about I DON'T announce your arrival?

Lozza: Then I will eat your brains!

Sovrani: Ha! Nice try, but I got MY brain surgically removed so you can't!

Lozza: Then why are you breathing?

Sovrani: Good point. – falls unconscious –

Lozza: -suddenly appears- Yessss! I'm here! –spots Sovrani on ground- Ah, crap. –gets down on knees and shouts to the heavens- Oh, great and powerful Holly, please descend from the heavens and heal my friend!

Holly: -comes down attached to string- Yo.

Sovrani's soul: Oh my god! It's Holly Short! Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! If I wasn't a soul I'd wet my pants right now!

Holly: Oh gross. –heals-

Sovrani: I'm alive! My brain has amazingly been returned to my body! Thanks Holly!

Holly: If you ever need me, just call my name to the Heavens! (A/N: Pun here. Sorta. Get it? Heaven, Haven? Ha ha ha)

Sovrani and Lozza: Goodbye.

Holly: -ascends towards ceiling- -stops- Ah, crap. –falls- Later guys. –walks out door-

Sovrani: Now that she's gone, you are all wondering what we're going here! Well, it's past midnight, we're tired and we've had A LOT of chocolate. Isn't that right, Lozza?

Lozza: -reading 'Girlfriend' magazine- Ooooh how hot is he? Oh, I mean yeah, sure. Chocolate. –shifty eyes-

Sovrani: Even though we've had a lot of sugar, we're still here to talk to you about Fairy Tales and their problems. To help us, we have chosen random people from the Fandom zone!

Lozza: First up is... –drumroll- Rapunzel! And to help us we have...

Butler, Artemis and Foaly: -appears-

Sovrani: -suddenly dressed as gameshow hostess and holding microphone- Butler, Artemis, Foaly! How are you?

Artemis: -dazed- where am I?

Lozza: That doesn't matter, what matters is, you're acting out a scene from Rapunzel!

Sovrani: -waves magic wand, suddenly everyone is standing in big field with high tower-

Lozza: -claps hands- OK, lets get started!

Butler: -standing in tower, wearing pink dress that's too small for him- Is this some kind of sick joke?

Artemis: -dressed as a knight- And what is this armour for?

Foaly: -dressed as witch- And why, may I ask, do I have a bunion on the end of my nose?

Sovrani: OK, you're annoying me now, let's start! Artemis, you're the Handsome prince, Butler, you're Rapunzel-

Butler: -splutters incomprehensibly-

Sovrani: - And Foaly, you're the witch, but we may not include you, due to budget cuts.

Foaly: Wonderful. I'll just go have a coffee. –leaves-

Sovrani: Summary: A woman is pregnant, and she has cravings for lettuce, so her husband steals it from the garden next door, which happens to belong to a witch. So she catches him, and he explains his situation, so she promises that they can have all the lettuce they want, so long as she can keep the baby.

Lozza: Which is horrible, who'd want to give up their baby?

Sovrani: True, well anyways, the husband agrees and he goes off. Then his wife gives birth to a baby girl and the witch takes her away and names her Rapunzel.

Lozza: Which brings up another point, what kind of name is that? It's so random that Microsoft Word doesn't recognise it!

Sovrani: Anyway, the witch locks Rapunzel in a tower. So after being so lonely, Rapunzel starts singing for her own pleasure. Butler, sing.

Butler: -yodels-

Lozza: STOP, PLEASE STOP!

Sovrani: Thank you, Butler, that was most... enlightening. So anyway, a Handsome Prince rides past one day and hears her sing and he thinks it sounds most lovely.

Lozza: Like Christina Aguilera!

Sovrani: She's MEANT to sound like that, but we have Butler instead. So anyway, the Prince hides in the bushes and then the witch comes past. She calls up to the tower "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, that I might climb the golden stair" and Rapunzel lets down her hair...

Artemis: I think we ALL know the story of Rapunzel, can we get to the point?

Sovrani: Fine, fine, so when the witch is gone the Prince goes up to the tower and says...

Artemis: Eh, Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair, that I might climb the golden stair.

Butler: I don't have any hair.

Artemis: Good, because even though that statement rhymes, it has terrible grammar!

Sovrani: That brings up another point, how much would it HURT to have someone actually climb up your hair?! It would tear it out at the roots!

Artemis: Are we meant to care?

Sovrani: Whatever. –waves wand again and somehow Artemis is standing inside tower-

Artemis: ... This is tremendously awkward.

Butler: What, for you?

Artemis: For goodness sakes, Butler, you're wearing a dress! Why couldn't Holly play Rapunzel?

Lozza: Oh, I see what's going on here, you want Holly to be Rapunzel so then you can KISS her!

Artemis: -gapes like goldfish- No comment.

Sovrani: OK, well Prince Charming is in Rapunzel's tower, and since she's the only man she's seen all her life she falls in love with him.

Lozza: Which is ridiculous, what if he was really ugly?

Random Fan Girl: Artemis isn't ugly! He's hot!

Lozza: True, but we're talking about Prince Charming.

Random Fan Girl: He's hot too!

Sovrani: -exasperated- Well, what if he wasn't?

Random Fan Girl: That's impossible, Princes are ALWAYS hot.

Lozza: OK, you're annoying me now. –shoots Random Fan Girl with Neutrino-

Sovrani: Alright, let's say Prince Charming is really ugly-

Artemis: I object!

Sovrani: Shut up. Fine, let's say he isn't ugly, but he has a really bad personality.

Lozza: This makes Artemis perfectly in character!

Sovrani: Exactly, Artemis is attractive, but he's really horrible to every girl he meets!

Artemis: -indignantly- That's not true!

Sovrani: That's right! You're nice to Holly because you like her!

Artemis: No comment.

Lozza: So what we're saying is, Rapunzel falls in love with Prince Charming because of his stunning good looks, but she doesn't get to know him.

Sovrani: Precisely. She doesn't take him out for lunch or anything, she just assumes that he's perfect.

Random Fan Girl: Because he is!

Lozza: -shoots Random Fan Girl with Neutrino- Why won't you just DIE?

Sovrani: Which brings up another point, how come in ALL the Fairy Tales, the princes are called Charming?

Lozza: Either the parents are really lazy, really obsessed or Prince Charming is cheating on all the Princesses.

Butler: -reading newspaper- Can we get this over with? This dress is starting to itch.

Sovrani: Fine, we need the witch now.

Foaly: You said you weren't going to use me.

Sovrani: I changed my mind. –waves magic wand, Foaly is in tower instead of Artemis, who goes to have an espresso- OK, well the Prince has been visiting Rapunzel for a few days, and then the Evil Witch comes to visit her...

Foaly: Uh, I'm here.

Butler: ...

Lozza: And then Rapunzel blurts out...

Butler: -reading script- Why are you so much heavier than the Prince? –looks around- Actually, it doesn't matter to me, they're both pretty light.

Sovrani: -slaps forehead- Butler, you're meant to be a poor, defenceless girl locked in a tower!

Butler: Just because I'm wearing a pink dress doesn't mean I'm a poor defenceless girl locked in a tower! I've got a lot of money, a Sig Sauer strapped to my thigh, and I'm certainly not a girl!

Lozza: Whatever. On with the story. So, after the witch finds out about the prince, she gets so mad that she cuts off Rapunzel's hair...

Foaly: -with scissors- Uh, snip snip?

Lozza: ... And sends Rapunzel to a faraway place.

Butler: My turn for a coffee.

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Nothing: -happens-

Sovrani: Fudge, the wand's out of batteries.

Lozza: How do we get down?

Artemis: -appears- What the hell?

Sovrani: Whatever. Then something else happens...

Door: -opens-

Rapunzel: What the hell? What the hell are you doing in my tower?? –stares at Butler- Is that my DRESS???

Sovrani: Lozza, you said this place was on lease.

Lozza: Wasn't me.

Rapunzel: GET OUT! –throws them all out window-

Lozza: Well, that solved the whole "getting-down" problem.

Artemis: Is it just me, or does that Rapunzel person have a machine gun?

Rapunzel: GET OUT! GET AWAY!

Sovrani: RUN!!

All: -runs away-

Lozza: -into microphone- Well, what happens, the Prince comes back, and the witch turns him into a bird-

Artemis: What kind of bird?

Sovrani: Any kind! Run, idiot!

Artemis: But I'd kind of like to know...

Sovrani: Uh... a Wedge Tailed Eagle?

Artemis: No... how about a Dove.

Lozza: That's pretty damn feminine, but whatever. So he finds Rapunzel and she cries and her tears fall on him and he turns into a Prince again and then they live happily ever after.

Rapunzel: -with rocket launcher- EAT METAL, TRESPASSERS!!

All (except Artemis): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Artemis: My espresso!! You made me spill it! –cries-

Sovrani: If we live, see you next time!

**(A/N: I'm not greedy, so, let's say, 5 reviews and then I'll post the next one. More then 5 in the next two days and I'll give everyone virtual cookies. Much Love!**

**Sovrani)**


	2. Cinderella

**(Disclaimer: Harry Potter & co. J.K Rowling. Cinderella Unknown)**

**(A/N: OK, wondering why I posted without five reviews? OK, I'll tell. Because I'm impatient, I'm lazy, and these were cluttering up my documents folder. Hopefully there will be more reviews with this chapter up. -HINT- -HINT-. **

**IMPORTANT: Lozza is not a made up character, a figment of my brain that I've named or one of my split personalities. Lozza is a real person with real feelings and a real name, which I won't reveal or she'll kill me. She helped write this and come up woth the idea, and I'll be soon convincing her to make an account on Just so that was clear) **

_**CINDERELLA **_

Sovrani and Lozza: We're back!!

Nobody: Whoop. –cough-

Lozza: This story is Cinderella!

Sovrani: -waves magic wand with newly restored batteries-

Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco and Voldemort: -appear-

Voldemort: What the-? OH MY GOD, Harry Potter! I MUST KILL YOU!!

Harry: Meep.

Sovrani: Voldy, don't kill Harry, we need him for the story.

Ron: Story?

Lozza: Yes, story, you guys are going to act out the characters in Cinderella!

Ron: Oh, sweet, can I be Prince Charming?

Sovrani: See, another Prince Charming. And no, Ron, you can't. Draco is Prince Charming, you, on the other hand, will be playing UGLY Stepsister #1, along with Harry.

Harry: UGLY?

Hermione: Am I Cinderella?

Lozza: Yes, Hermione, you are.

Hermione: SCORE!! Wait, Draco?

Draco: Ah, crap.

Sovrani: Let there be love!

Hermione: -groans-

Lozza: Anyway, we all know the story so let's get started.

Voldy: Wait, who am I?

Sovrani: Oh, you're the Evil Stepmother.

Voldy: -rubs hands together- Excellent.

Lozza: LET THERE BE LIGHT!

Lights: -turn on-

Ron: Sweet party. –notices dress- Ah, crap. This is the thing I had to wear for the Yule Ball in fourth year.

Sovrani: That's why I got it, so you'd be in a familiar environment.

Ron: -gritting teeth, ears turning red- Thanks.

Sovrani: You're welcome.

Hermione: Well, my dress is pretty cool. But these shoes are uncomfortable.

Lozza: Glass slippers. –shakes head- That brings us to the first point. Do you think you'll be able to dance in them, Hermione?

Hermione: I can hardly walk in heels.

Harry: Damn straight, I've never worn heels in my life. And what did you do to my hair?

Sovrani: I curled it.

Harry: Ah, crap.

Draco: It looks sweet. –sniggers-

Harry: Shut up, Malfoy.

Lozza: Continuing, glass slippers are dreadfully uncomfortable, I don't know WHAT the Fairy Godmother was thinking...

Voldy: And who IS the Fairy Godmother? May I ask?

Sovrani: Ah, crap. –waves magic wand-

Snape: -appears- What the-? Oh my gosh! Voldy, mate!

Voldy: Severus, my dear friend!

Hermione: You two know each other?

Snape: Duh, I work for him. –notices clothes- Why am I wearing a dress and tiara?

Lozza: -getting frustrated because nobody's paying attention to her- Because you're the Fairy Godmother!

Snape: -confused- From what?

All: -frustrated- CINDERELLA!

Snape: Oh.

Sovrani: OK, Now Hermione, dance with Draco.

Hermione: I'm not holding hands with a GUY!

Ron: But...

Hermione: Shut up Ron, you're dressed as a girl.

Ron: -bashfully falls silent-

Draco: -shrugs- Hey, it's cool with me if she doesn't want to dance.

Hermione: Yes I do! Music!

Music: -plays-

Harry: Call this music? Does anyone have any "Weird Sisters"?

Everyone: ...

Harry: -rolls eyes- Whatever.

Sovrani: OK, Cinderella arrived in a Pumpkin. Which is kind of weird. What if Cinderella didn't have a pumpkin? What if she had carrots instead? She'd be driving in a carrot sportscar!

Hermione: If I arrived in a Pumpkin Carriage, then who drove it? –looks out window- OH MY GOD, CROOKSHANKS!!

Crookshanks: - attached to carriage looking annoyed- Mew.

Hermione: -spins around looking furious- Lozza, you attached my CAT to a PUMPKIN?!

Lozza: It was her! –points at Sovrani-

Sovrani: Meep.

Hermione and Sovrani: -cartoon dustcloud-

Sovrani: Ack! Ow! Watch it, those heels are sharp!

Hermione: Perfect!

Sovrani: AHHHHHHH!

Hermione: -walks out of dustcloud, only wearing one shoe- Heh heh.

Sovrani: -sits up with a shoe in her head- Eh, OK then. –looks in mirror- Ah, crap. –falls unconscious-

Lozza: Whatever. OK, you two, dance!

Hermione: I can't dance with only one shoe!

Lozza: -looking exasperated- Yes you can! Now dance! –looks at Snape- Severus, can you fix up Sovrani for me?

Snape: Sure. –continues talking to Voldy- So I said, "that dress doesn't suit you," and she said...

Harry: Are Ron and I going to do anything?

Sovrani: Heeheee! Pretty pixies!

Lozza: Just look ugly.

Ron: Can do. –sits and does nothing- (A/N: Joke, Ron is hot)

Sovrani: -sit's up looking her version of normal- OK, I'm all good now. Cue MidnightStrike!

All: ...

Sovrani: -sigh- Someone turn the clock on.

Ron: Oh. –turns on clock-

Clock: -strikes midnight-

Hermione: Is this the part where I'm meant to run away?

Lozza: Yeah, but I think we all have to.

Sovrani: You didn't...

Lozza: -looks sheepish- Well, I didn't exactly RENT this place...

Ron: Ah, crap.

Draco: What about me?

Sovrani: You stay here, you're meant to find Hermiones shoe.

Draco: -sighs- Fine, I'll go help myself to punch until you call me. –heads for buffet table-

Hermione: Which shoe should I lose?

Lozza: Preferably the bloodstained one.

Hermione: Sure –drops shoe on stairs-

All except Draco: -runs outside to find Crookshanks attached to Pumpkin-

Sovrani: Ah, crap.

Harry: We're too late! –sobs uncontrollably-

Hermione: Shut up, Harry. Does anyone else hear that?

Bushes: -rustle-

Cinderella: -walks out dragging a Prince by the hand- C'mon Charming, let's go inside. –sees group- Who the hell are you?

Hermione: Oh my god, it's the real live Cinderella! Can I have your autograph?

Cinderella: I guess so... –spots pumpkin- Oh my god! What the hell did you do to my car?

All: Ah, crap.

Cinderella: Damnit!

Draco: -comes down stairs holding bloodstained shoe- Hey guys, I found this bloodstained shoe on the stairs and I was wondering... –sees Cinderella and Prince Charming- Ah, crap. This is awkward.

Charming: This is beyond awkward.

Cinderella: -turns on Hermione- YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STOLE MY SHOES!

Hermione: Meep.

Draco: What happens now? In the story, I mean.

Sovrani: Prince Charming says that he'll go around to every house in the land to find the girl whose foot fits this shoe...

Lozza: Which is ridiculous, anyone could have the same shoe size as her.

Cinderella: Why is the left one covered in blood?

Sovrani: -points at Hermione- She kicked me in the head.

Cinderella: Oh.

Harry: So, what now?

Sovrani: Well, Harry and Ron should go call a cab.

Ron: I'm not taking orders from a girl!

Hermione: Ron, shut up.

Ron: Yes Hermione.

Harry and Ron: -heads to public telephone-

_Twenty Minutes Later... _

Cab: -arrives-

Everyone: -gets in-

-_Awkward Silence- _

Sovrani: Fat Polar Bear!

Everyone: What?

Sovrani: A Fat Polar Bear breaks the ice! –giggles insanely-

Hermione: I get it, it's not that funny.

Harry: Wait. –looks around- Where're Snape and Voldemort?

Ron: DON'T SAY HIS NAME!

Harry: Who? Voldemort?

Ron: -clutches head- AAAAAAH!!!!

Harry: Hee hee, VOLDEMORT, VOLDEMORT, VOLDEMORT! V-O-L-D-E-M-O-R-T!!

Ron: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! -lights self on fire and runs away from the cab-

Lozza: ... He was fun.

Hermione: Great. I spend the whole of the sixth book pretending that I hate him, at the same time making it painfully obvious that I love him, and he lights himself on fire. Just great. Now who am I going to pretend to hate while at the same time make it painfully obvious that I love?

Everyone: Uh, what?

Hermione: Hey Charming, you're still single, aren't you?

Cinderella: He is not! He's going out with me!

Hermione: Well, then maybe we should CHANGE THAT!

Everyone: Ah, crap.

Sovrani: This is insane. See you next time.

Everyone: -waves-

_Meanwhile, many, many miles away, back at the Palace... _

Voldy: Where is everyone?

Snape: -shrugs- I dunno.

-­_Awkward Silence- _

Voldy: Wanna dance?

Snape: OK.

Snape and Voldy: -dance-

**(A/N: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wasn't that just RANDOM! More coming! XD)**


	3. Snow White

**(Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl & co. ** **Eoin Colfer. Snow White Unknown to me, and any beings that I happen to know)**

**(A/N: Baaaaaaaaaack again! Everyone be happy! Yes, I'm posting these awfully fast, but whatever, I just want to get rid of them)**

_**SNOW WHITE**_

Sovrani: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! We're back!

Readers: YAY!!

Lozza: This time, we're doing "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs..."

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Holly, Mulch, Trouble, Grub, Foaly, Chix, Butler, Artemis and Juliet: -appear-

Juliet: Whoa. –sees Sovrani and Lozza- Who are you?

Sovrani: The authoresses.

Juliet: Ah. –looks around- This is... seriously... I'll be frank: Am I drunk?

Artemis: I don't think so. –spots Holly and (FOR SOME REASON, WINK WINK, NUDGE NUDGE) blushes- Hello Holly.

Holly: Hi Artemis. –blushes as well FOR SOME REASON- Nice to see you.

Butler: No... I'm back AGAIN. –cries-

Lozza: Oh my god! Butler's crying! –snaps picture with disposable camera- I'm going to sell this on eBay for squillions!

Butler: -smashes camera-

Lozza: -cries-

Sovrani: Don't worry Butler, you don't have to wear a dress this time.

Grub: MUMMY!

Sovrani: Ah, you're here too. Hi Grub, hi Trouble, hi Foaly, hi Chix, hi Mulch.

Trouble: Juliet may not be, but I think I'm drunk.

Lozza: Sorry no.

Trouble: No?

Foaly: I want my computer.

Chix: Oh yeah, I'm gonna be famous!!

Mulch: Can I bite him?

Lozza: Shut up Chix.

Sovrani: Can we get on with this? OK, for this chapter, we're doing "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," but in this case it's "Snow White and the Six Dwarfs" because we don't have enough short people to be dwarfs...

Holly: -has been staring into Artemis' eyes for the last few paragraphs FOR SOME REASON- What? No, that means... Don't tell me.

Lozza: The cast list is as follows...

Holly, Mulch, Foaly, Trouble, Grub and Chix as the Six Dwarfs

Artemis as Prince Charming

Butler as the Evil Stepmother...

Butler: You said I didn't have to wear a dress!

Sovrani: -shrugs- I did too, didn't I? Well, you can be a pyjama-pants wearing Evil Stepmother. With no hair.

Butler: -raised eyebrow- Pyjama-pants?

Sovrani: They're the only ones we've got. Anyway the cast...

Lozza: And we have Juliet as Snow White.

Juliet: Oh yes! I'm the main character!

Lozza: Yes, Juliet, you are... Now, the story beings with something how Snow White gets her name, then her mum dies and her dad remarries, then her dad dies and her stepmother hates her because of some random mirror that talks to her. So she gets a hunter to go and kill Snow White and then bring back her heart.

Sovrani: Which is gross. -waves wand and everyone is standing near a forest-

Lozza: Juliet, go sing a song and pick some flowers.

Juliet: -grins- Any song? All right then...

Butler: Noooooo Juliet, anything other than "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears!

Sovrani: Good point, no singing Juliet.

Juliet: -pouts and goes to pick flowers-

Artemis: Who's the Hunter?

Lozza: Ah, crap. Sovrani?

Sovrani: Artemis.

Artemis: MY name is Artemis, yours is Sovrani.

Sovrani: -sighs exasperatedly- Yes, but Artemis, you are the Hunter.

Artemis: Wonderful, Artemis the Hunter very good... –gapes- Oh my god, I didn't get it until just now! You're smarter than me! –collapses into sobs- Oh the irony! It's all so obvious now!

Lozza: Pull yourself together Artemis, you need to go get ready to kill Juliet, er, I mean Snow White.

Artemis: -suddenly dressed in hunter suit (very sexy hunter suit, mind you. Just so that was clear)- It will be my pleasure.

Holly: What about us "Dwarfs"?

Sovrani: Go away until I tell you.

Holly and others: Fine. –leaves-

Artemis: OK, let's get this over with.

Juliet: -kneels in flowerbed, humming-

Artemis: Ha! –stabs Juliet in the back-

Sovrani: Ah, crap.

Lozza: Artemis, no! You're not meant to ACTUALLY stab her!

Artemis: Oops.

Sovrani: Damn straight "oops" –waves magic wand-

Juliet: -sits up and glares at Artemis- You stabbed me!

Artemis: I did. So what?

Juliet: How are you going to be Prince Charming?

Artemis: Easily.

Juliet: You're going to have to kiss me, though.

Artemis: -suddenly looking nervous- Ah, yes. Er, that's right.

Sovrani: We don't need to worry about that right now. –looks mischievous- OK, the Hunter DOESN'T kill Snow White, he tells her to run away, so she does.

Lozza: She's taking advice from a stranger who just tried to kill her, smart move. Not.

Sovrani: Indeed. –waves magic wand and they are standing at a cottage, surrounded by small animals-

Juliet: Ewww! Vermin!

Lozza: -exasperated- They're chipmunks.

Juliet: They're talking to me...

Sovrani: ... That's not right.

Butler: What am I supposed to do?

Lozza: Go wait in the van.

Butler: Fine. –leaves-

Sovrani: Anyhow, with the help of all these little animals, Snow White goes inside the house and, finding it messy and dusty, cleans up.

Juliet: -trying to keep away from the chipmunks- I'm not cleaning a house that isn't mine!

Lozza: Good point! Why should she have to? Another problem. Plus she's breaking and entering.

Sovrani: -exasperated- She wants them to let her stay. We can skip the cleaning up part. –waves magic wand. House is suddenly clean-

Lozza: Good. Now, Snow White is tired so she goes to have a nap upstairs.

Juliet: Those beds are miniscule!

Lozza and Sovrani: -frustrated and exasperated- SLEEP! RIGHT NOW!

Juliet: Meep. OK. –stretches across three of the beds- Hey, this isn't so bad. GET AWAY FROM ME, STUPID CHIPMUNKS!

Sovrani: -punches Juliet in the head- She's asleep now. Now, the Dwarfs come.

Holly, Mulch, Foaly, Trouble, Grub, Chix: -appear wearing funny suits-

Holly: Ah, crap.

Lozza: Now, you guys returned from the mines, so find someone has cleaned your house, so you go upstairs to find it sleeping in your beds.

Mulch: I'm the only Dwarf here.

Chix: Damn, this is weird.

Foaly: I want my computer! –cries-

Sovrani: Shut up. Go upstairs.

Grub: There's a scary monster in my bed! Mummy! –whimpers-

Trouble: This is insane, I don't want to take part in this fic.

Lozza: We'll give you a cookie.

Trouble: Oh, OK.

Sovrani: To cut a long story short, the Dwarfs wake up Snow White, and they become friends and she cleans and cooks for them, but she makes snide remarks about their personal hygiene, which isn't really an issue for you guys, Mulch excepted.

Mulch: There is no way I'm washing my hands for a Mud Girl!

Lozza: Yeah you are, because she's a really good cook and if you don't so what she says she'll starve you.

Mulch: Oh. OK then.

Juliet: -wakes up- Eurgh, my head. –glares at Sovrani- You punched me in the head!

Sovrani: I'm the authoress, I can do whatever I want.

Lozza: So the queen finds out Snow White is still alive, makes herself into an ugly old crone and poisons an apple for her.

Sovrani: Just like in that TV show I saw! She says "Here, dearie, I have a lovely red apple for you, and a nice green one for me" and then she accidentally eats the red one and she goes "Crap, I'm colourblind" and she dies! –goes into hysterics and collapses-

Everyone: ...

Lozza: She's just had too much sugar. So anyway, the Evil Stepmother poisons an apple and the spell can only be broken by true loves first kiss.

Sovrani: Hee hee! Sparkly pixies!

Lozza: So uh, that's the scene we're doing. Dwarfs, go out to work. Mind you, they warned Snow White not to let anyone in the house, but she doesn't listen.

Juliet: That's because I don't work for them, they don't pay me so I don't listen.

Sovrani: -regained normality- Shut up. SCENE CHANGE! –waves magic wand-

Butler: -appears- Ah, crap. Me again.

Dwarfs: -leave-

Lozza: You have to kill your sister.

Butler: With the apple? Yeah I can deal with that.

Juliet: -shocked- But what If I ACTUALLY DIE?

Everyone: Who cares?

Juliet: Fine, I'll just go make a pie. –leaves-

Butler: Is this the apple?

Sovrani: Yes, but don't eat it.

Butler: -about to take a bite- Why not?

Lozza: It's poisoned, idiot.

Butler: Oh yeah.

Sovrani: Now, go give it to Juliet, and if she doesn't take a bite I'm going to shove it down her throat. Or up somewhere painful.

Butler: Well OK. –goes over to Juliet- Eat this.

Juliet: Ooooh, an apple! How kind of you! –takes a bite and collapses-

Sovrani: That wasn't so bad!

Juliet: That apple wasn't actually poisoned, I'm just pretending. And this floor is uncomfortable.

Sovrani and Lozza: SHUT UP!

Butler: Now what?

Lozza: Somehow, the Dwarfs find out that you've killed her, so now you have to run away.

Butler: Can we skip this part?

Sovrani: Yes. But FYI, you died.

Butler: Finally. –goes and gets a coffee-

Lozza: SCENE CHANGE!

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Scene: -changes and everyone is sitting near a glass coffin-

Lozza: OK, Juliet, you're still dead, so lie down in there.

Juliet: No way! It's uncomfortable!

Mulch: I've had enough of her! She's more annoying than Grub!

Grub: Yeah, more annoying than me! –realisation dawns on face- Wait...

Trouble: I suggest that someone changes roles with her.

Chix: I'll do it!

Everyone: ... –stares at Chix-

Chix: What? I've always wanted to wear a dress.

Trouble: -coughs- TRANSVESTITE –coughs-

Lozza: Wait! –whispers something in Sovrani's ear-

Sovrani: SQUEEEEEEEE! Perfect! Holly, get in that dress and lie in the coffin.

Holly: -looking nervous- Uh, OK.

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Holly: -suddenly wearing really gorgeous (if revealing) dress- Whoa. This is weird. –lies in coffin-

Artemis: -rides past on Majestic White Pony-

Lozza: Oh my god! You got a PONY!? Wait, where's Foaly?

Foaly (AKA, Majestic White Pony): This is beyond embarrassment.

Artemis: Now what?

Sovrani: Now you kiss Snow White to wake her up!

Artemis: -looking nervous- Uh, Kiss? I uh...

Holly: -opens eyes and sits up- Kiss? That wasn't in the job description!

Lozza and Sovrani: YOU'RE DEAD, LIE DOWN.

Holly: Meep. –lies down-

Artemis: I can't believe I'm going to do this...

Voice Over: ­_As Prince Charming leans over the coffin, to see his beloved in a deep slumber he-_

Lozza and Sovrani: SHUT UP, YOU'RE RUINING THE MOMENT!

Voice Over: _Sorry. –leaves-_

Artemis: -leans over ever so slowly-

Sovrani: This is it...

Artemis: -kisses Holly-

Lozza, Sovrani and any readers that might happen to be A/H shippers: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Any readers that might happen to be Juliet/Artemis shippers: DAMNIT!

Chix and Trouble: DAMNIT!

Holly: -wakes up-

Sovrani and Lozza: -dancing in circles- HE KISSED HER, HE KISSED HER, HE KISSED HER!

Artemis: -blushing- Hi Holly.

Holly: -blushing- Hi Artemis.

Sovrani: -grinning her head off- And then she wakes up and he whisks her away to his castle in the clouds!

All: AND THE ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!! THE END!!

Bushes: -rustle-

Snow White: -steps out of bushes, holding Prince Charming by the hand- C'mon Charming...

All: Ah, crap.

Snow White: -looking at Holly- What the hell are you doing in my coffin?

Sovrani: Lozza...

Lozza: Ah, crap.

**(A/N: THE END! WHEEE! That was fun! Stay tuned for more: FAIRY TALES GONE WRONG!)**


	4. Sleeping Beauty

**(Disclaimer: Harry Potter & co. J.K Rowling. Sleeping Beauty Not sure, let's just say Walt Disney)**

**(A/N: Yeah, another in hardly a few hours. I don't know what else to say. I'll think of some witty remark when I'm finished this chappie)**

_**SLEEPING BEAUTY**_

Sovrani: Back again!

Lozza: Hi all!

Sovrani: This time round, we're doing Sleeping Beauty, and to help us we have... –waves magic wand-

Harry, Hermione, Ron, Bellatrix, Lavender and Parvati: -appear-

Hermione: Not AGAIN!

Sovrani: Hi guys! –looks at Ron- Didn't you set yourself on fire?

Ron: -oblivious- I got better.

Harry: Oh my god it's Bellatrix Lestrange!

Bellatrix: So it is. Your point?

Harry: You killed my godfather!

Bellatrix: -shrugs- It seemed like the right thing to do.

Lozza: Let's forget plotlines for a moment. We are here to act out "Sleeping Beauty" and we-

Parvati: Oh my gosh! Who get's to be the Princess?

Lavender: Oh, pick me! Me, me, me!

Sovrani: We picked Hermione to be the Princess.

Lavender and Parvati: -glares daggers at Hermione-

Hermione: -looks smug but bashful-

Sovrani: But you two will be playing a couple of the good fairies.

Lavender and Parvati: -look ecstatic-

Sovrani: Along with Harry.

Harry: What? Me? Oh no, I played a girl last time.

Lozza: And you weren't very good at is last time.

Sovrani: So we're giving you another chance.

Ron: I take it this means that I'm Prince Charming?

Sovrani: -grins- Yes, you are correct.

Ron: SCORE! –looks at Hermione and blushes FOR SOME REASON- I mean, yeah. That's pretty cool. –looks at fingernails-

Lozza: -to Sovrani- He's pathetic, you sure we shouldn't use Harry instead?

Sovrani: -disgusted- Of course! I can't have HARRY kissing Hermione! What kind of sick person do you think I am?

Lozza: Well, you do read high-rated Artemis Fowl fics...

Sovrani: Shut up. Arty was hesitant as well, but now look what's happened.

Lozza: Ah yes. –has nice daydream about Artemis and Holly skipping through a field of daisies-

Bellatrix: And who will I be playing, pray tell?

Sovrani: You're going to be the bad Fairy.

Bellatrix: -shrugs- OK, I won't complain.

Sovrani: Good, then let's begin! –waves magic wand and everyone is standing near a castle wearing their costumes-

Lozza: I ACTUALLY rented this place, so there's no chance of us getting interrupted so we have to finish the story early.

Harry: -wearing pink dress and looking grumpy- Oh no, we wouldn't want that, now, would we? (note sarcasm)

Sovrani: The story: The king and queen had a baby, duh, and at her christening or WHATEVER, the three good fairies are there to bless her. The first two bless the princess with beauty, common sense, intelligence, the ability to dance or whatever, and then the Evil Fairy arrives.

Bellatrix: Hi!

Sovrani: The Evil Fairy decides to "bless" the child. So she says...

Bellatrix: -reading script- On her sixteenth birthday she will prick her finger on a spindle and die! –laughs evilly-

Parvati: What the hell, there isn't an evil laugh on my script.

Lavender: Mine either.

Bellatrix: I know, I just put it there to make it sound more evil.

Sovrani: But the third fairy had stayed back, but now she comes forward and says...

Harry: -groans- Fine. –reads from script- The Princess will not die, instead she will go into a deep, deep slumber and the spell will only be broken by true loves first kiss.

Lozza: Again with the true loves first kiss!

Ron: Oh, well, it's clichéd but it's unavoidable. –blushes FOR SOME REASON-

Hermione: -blushes FOR SOME REASON-

Sovrani: OK then, so the evil fairy runs away to live in a shack somewhere, and the king and queen are still kind of nervous, so they have every spinning wheel in the land burned up in a big bonfire.

Lozza: So that happens, and sixteen years later, it's her birthday, and she's been living with the good fairies who are keeping her safe.

Sovrani: Supposedly. So the fairies give her a nice new dress and she goes for a walk, and she gets hypnotised by the evil fairy and she pricks her finger on one of those stupid spindles and decides it's time for a nap. So it's here where we need some acting.

Hermione: How am I meant to look hypnotised?

Lozza: Who cares, prick your finger on this thing and collapse –pulls out spinning wheel from nowhere-

Hermione: OK –pricks finger- Oh my gosh! I pierced my skin with the tip of this spindle! Oh the irony! Oh the-

Sovrani: Very nice. Collapse now.

Hermione: -collapses- Ow. I hit my head.

Sovrani: Good, now the fairies make stuff grow all over the castle, and then they go and get the prince.

Parvati: -looking sulky- You're not using us very much.

Harry: -still wearing dress and looking grumpy- I'm not complaining.

Lavender: I am.

Sovrani: No one cares what you think, just go do your nails or something!

Parvati and Lavender: -looking extremely enthusiastic- Eeee! C'mon Harry!

Harry: -get's dragged away by Lavender and Parvati- Ahhhhh noooooo! Noooooo I beg you, spare me, have mercy!!

Ron: Ok, now what do I do?

Sovrani: Well, you have to slay the Evil Fairy first, who has transformed into a dragon.

Bellatrix: Dragon? I'm not a dragon.

Lozza: You're not, but _she_ is!

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Hungarian Horntail: -appears- Rawr?

Sovrani: Sorry to disturb you, but could you please tear him apart?

Hungarian Horntail: Rawr. –smiles-

Ron: Wait, what's she doing? –get's picked up my Hungarian Horntail- AHHHH!

Lozza: Weren't you meant to tell him how to beat the dragon?

Sovrani: Oops, yeah, I was.

_Silence_

Lozza: Oh well.

Ron: Oh my god! Oh my god! AHHHH!

Bellatrix: Go dragon! Beat the crap outta that kid!

Lozza: So somehow Prince Charming slays the dragon and gets inside.

Hermione: Hello?

Sovrani: Getting there, Ron's having some trouble with the dragon!

Ron: -lying on ground- Eurgh.

Sovrani and Lozza: Ah, crap.

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Ron: -wakes up- I think I died.

Lozza: You did, now get inside and wake up sleeping beauty.

Scene Change: Changes.

Lozza, Sovrani and Ron: -appear inside Hermione's room-

Hermione: -reading "Girlfriend" magazine- Hi there. Can I help you?

Sovrani: You're meant to be asleep.

Hermione: Oh yeah. –falls back onto pillows-

Ron: -looking nervous- What now?

Lozza: Kiss her.

Ron: -gulps- Are you sure?

Sovrani: -on laptop, looking at internet sites- Well, you can't get HIV or Malaria through saliva exchange, we think you're safe.

Ron: -kisses Hermione-

Sovrani, Lozza and any readers who might happen to be R/H shippers: SQUEEEEEEEE!!

Hermione: -wakes up- -blushes- Hi Ron.

Ron: -blushes- Hi Hermione.

Sovrani and Lozza: -dancing in circles- HE KISSED HER, HE KISSED HER, HE KISSED HER!!

All: And then they all lived happily ever after! THE END!

Sovrani: We actually finished this story without some sort of catastrophe! It's a new record!

Hermione: Wait, where's Ron?

Hungarian Horntail: -burps-

Lozza and Sovrani: Ah, crap.

**(A/N: THE END! RANDOMNESS GALORE!)**


	5. The Three Bears

**(Disclaimer: Arty and co. Eoin Colfer. The Three Bears I'm not sure, I'll just say Playschool)**

**(A/N: Haha, I LURVE this one! Yes, another. Just read it.)**

_**GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS**_

Sovrani: WE'RE BACK!

Lozza: This time it's "Goldilocks And The Three Bears" and we're seriously hyper!

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Butler, Juliet and Artemis: -appear-

Juliet: AGAIN?

Butler: No...

Artemis: What's on this time?

Sovrani: "Goldilocks And The Three Bears!"

Lozza: Fun, fun, fun!!

Sovrani: LOCATION! –waves magic wand-

All: -are standing outside little pink house-

Artemis: -wearing adorable, fluffy bear suit- This is extremely humiliating. I take it that I'm baby bear?

Sovrani: -grins- Yes you are, and look what happens when I press your tummy! –presses Arty's tummy-

Artemis' Tummy: -metallic baby voice- I wuv you!

Artemis: Butler, will you shoot me?

Lozza: Of course we need some other people...

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Holly: -appears-

Artemis: -blushes FOR SOME REASON- Hi Holly.

Holly: -blushes FOR SOME REASON- Hi Artemis.

Lozza: Hey Holly, we're doing "Goldilocks And The Three Bears" this time.

Holly: Oh, am I Goldilocks?

Sovrani: Nope.

Holly: Then why am I here?

Sovrani: We just wanted you to see Artemis in a bear suit.

Holly: -blushes FOR SOME REASON- I eh... well, I've seen him.

Lozza: And..?

Holly: He looks very cute.

Sovrani and Lozza: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Artemis: -blushes FOR SOME REASON-

Holly: Can I leave, then?

Sovrani: No, you have to stay.

Holly: Fine. –sits on rock-

Lozza: Of course, now we need a Goldilocks...

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Minerva: -appears-

Artemis: -blushes FOR SOME REASON THAT SHOULDN'T BE HERE BECAUSE MINERVA'S A MARY SUE AND SHOULD BE HATED AND KILLED-

Holly: -glares FOR A REASON THAT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL AND UNDERSTANDABLE-

Minerva: -swears in French- I'm sorry, pardon my English.

Artemis: -looks at feet FOR ANOTHER REASON WHICH SHOULDN'T BE HERE EITHER-

Sovrani: -coldly, because she hates Minerva- Hi there, we're performing "Goldilocks And The Three Bears" and we'd like you to be Goldilocks.

Minerva: Why?

Lozza: Because she's a criminal!

Sovrani: Shut up, darling Lozza, we'll get to that later. So, Minerva, will you be Goldilocks?

Minerva: Uh, OK.

Lozza: Good! Then let's get started!

Everyone except Minerva: -is inside little house-

Butler: -in another bear costume- I'm father bear, right?

Juliet: Then that makes me mother bear. Wait, I can't be married to my brother! It's incestuous!

Lozza: Shut up, it's just an act.

Juliet: -falls silent and starts filing nails-

Sovrani: OK, we begin. Three bears who lived in a little pink house.

Lozza: Pink, can you believe it? I mean, I love pink, but bears...

Sovrani: There was a Papa Bear, a Mama Bear and a Baby Bear.

Artemis: -groans-

Lozza: And one day the Mama Bear made porridge for breakfast.

Juliet: I don't know how to make porridge.

Sovrani: No matter, we have the wand. -waves magic wand-

Porridge Bowls: -appear on table-

Lozza: So they start to eat their porridge and then...

Butler: My porridge is too hot.

Juliet: So is mine.

Artemis: Mine too.

Sovrani: So they decide to go for a walk while their porridge cools.

Artemis: So, we can leave?

Lozza: No, Artemis, you can't, but Butler and Juliet can go.

Butler and Juliet: -leave-

Artemis: -pouts- Why can't I leave?

Sovrani: Because Holly needs some company.

Holly: -blushes FOR SOME REASON- Hi Artemis.

Lozza: You two can go make out in the corner, now we need Goldilocks.

Minerva: -comes in-

Sovrani: OK, so Goldilocks is skipping through the woods and she comes to the pink house, she knocks...

Minerva: -knocks obediently on door-

Sovrani: And since she finds nobody there, she just opens the door and goes inside.

Lozza: BREAKING AND ENTERING!!

Sovrani: She's a thief!

Minerva: No I'm not!

Sovrani: Shut up, Minerva.

Lozza: So, she goes in and sees the three bowls of porridge on the table...

Minerva: -tastes contents of first bowl- This bowl of porridge is too hot. –tastes contents of second bowl- This bowl of porridge is too cold. Well, obviously Goldilocks pours some of the hot porridge into the cold porridge.

Sovrani: No, she doesn't. She eats the last bowl or porridge because it's "just right."

Lozza: Which makes no sense, if the second bowl was cold, then the last one would be cold too, instead of just right.

Sovrani: We should seriously sue the person who wrote this. Now, Minerva, eat the porridge.

Minerva: But it's past it's use-by date!

Sovrani: I said, EAT THE DAMN PORRIDGE!

Minerva: Fine, fine! –starts eating porridge- Eurgh... I think I've got food poisoning...

Lozza: Nobody cares about you, you're a Mary Sue.

Minerva: And how am I a Mary Sue, pray tell?

Sovrani: One, you're named after a Goddess, just like Artemis. Two, you're a genius, just like Artemis. Three, you speak heaps of languages, just like Artemis. Four, you're a squllionaire, just like Artemis. And five, you're "pretty."

Minerva: -strokes hair- Why, thank you.

Lozza: Holly is prettier than you.

Minerva: -looks like she's going to cry-

Sovrani: And Artemis is attracted to you. Where HOLLY, on the other hand, is one metre tall, has a crew cut, is more than eighty years old, is a COMPLETELY different species, and is an LEP Captain.

Lozza: Which reminds me, WHY are we shipping for Holly/Artemis?

Sovrani: Because they are MEANT TO BE.

Lozza: Oh yeah, but wouldn't it be considered child molestation? Her being eighty and all...

Sovrani: Who cares? They would be totally cute together!

Lozza: But uh... she's a metre tall... how are they going to er, you know.

Sovrani: That's not in my department, but other fics that I've read have overcome that barrier and they are actually-

Minerva: I'd love to hear more about me being a better match for Artemis, I really would, but I have an appointment at a Spa, and time is really ticking on.

Lozza: Nobody cares about your stupid spa. Now, on with the story.

Sovrani: So, Goldilocks finishes her "past-use-by-date" porridge, and continues to the living room to try out the chairs.

Lozza: I'm pointing out the things she's done wrong so far. One, she breaks into a house, Two, she's eaten their breakfast.

Minerva: -goes to first chair- This chair is too hard. –goes to second chair- This chair is too soft. –goes to third chair- This chair is just right.

Sovrani: And since she's on such a wonderful chair, she breaks it with her fat ass.

Minerva: -indignantly- I have not got a fat ass! And besides, this chair isn't going to break any time soon.

Holly: -with chainsaw- I can fix that.

Chair: -gets cut into tiny pieces- AAAAAH THE PAIN!

Lozza: Three, she should be fined for "destruction of property."

Sovrani: So, after such an eventful day, with the whole "breaking-into-a-house-and-eating-their-food-and-destroying-their-furniture" thing, Goldilocks decides it's time for a nap, so she goes into the bedroom.

Minerva: -goes to first bed- This bed is too hard. –goes to second bed- This bed is just right!

Lozza: Hold on, you're meant to say that for the third bed, not the second.

Minerva: I prefer softer beds, this one is perfect for me.

Sovrani: Nobody cares, princess, I'm the Authoress, and what the Authoress says goes. And I'm saying to get into that damn bed and say the line!

Minerva: -gets into third bed- _This_ bed is just right. –starts to take off shoes-

Lozza: Stop! Leave the shoes on!

Minerva: But why? Nobody wears shoes to bed!

Sovrani: It never says anything about taking off shoes in the Fairy Tale, so keep them on or a little "accident" will happen to your brother.

Minerva: No, not Beau! You're horrible, you can't get away with that!

Sovrani: I'm the Authoress, I can get away with anything.

Minerva: -gets into bed with shoes on-

Lozza: Good, and so the Goldilocks falls asleep and then the three bears come back.

Butler, Juliet and Artemis: -come back-

Sovrani: So, they see their porridge...

Butler: Somebody's been eating my porridge.

Juliet: Somebody's been eating my porridge.

Artemis: Someone's been eating my porridge, and they've eaten it all.

Sovrani: And there would be gasps of shock coming from entertained five-year-olds.

Lozza: They move into the sitting-room where they see their chairs.

Butler: Somebody's been sitting in my chair.

Juliet: Somebody's been sitting in my chair.

Artemis: Someone's bee sitting in my chair, and when they were done they cut it up with a chainsaw.

Holly: That was me with the chainsaw, but I wasn't sitting in your chair.

Artemis: That's OK then. –blushes FOR SOME REASON-

Sovrani: They move into the bedroom...

Butler: Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.

Juliet: Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.

Artemis: Somebody's been sleeping in my bed and she's still here.

!WARNING!THIS PART CONTAINS SOME VERY GRAPHIC WRITING!WARNING!

Lozza: Artemis, Butler, Juliet, you should all leave now.

Butler: -suspiciously- Why?

Sovrani: We rented this place, but we rented something else. And no matter how smart or Mary Sueish Minerva might be, I hardly believe she can beat back three grizzly bears.

Artemis: We should... leave now... And put a padlock on the door just in case.

All: -run out of house and padlock the front door-

Lozza: -releases bears into house-

All: -sit around and wait-

Holly: Hi guys. Hi Artemis –blushes FOR SOME REASON-

Artemis: Hi Holly. –blushes FOR SOME REASON-

Minerva: -from inside house- OH MY GOSH! AHHHHH!!! –more screams- -beats on front door- SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE! AAAAH OH MY GOD!

Front Door: -red liquid leaks out from underneath-

Juliet: Ew, blood.

Sovrani: That's not blood, it's pomegranate juice! See, I'll show you! –scoops up glassful of red liquid- -drinks it- -pupils turn red- Blood. Must. Have. More. Blood!!!

All: OH MY GOD, SHE'S TASTED HUMAN BLOOD, SHE'S GONE RABID AND CANNIBAL!!

Sovrani: MWAHAHAHAH I WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!

Lozza: With my friend incapacitated at the moment, I'll just have to go through the ending for this story myself...

Sovrani: -collapses to ground- -hiccups-

Lozza: Well, in this case we made Goldilocks get killed by three bears... and also in this story we have a little romantic interlude...

Artemis: -holding Holly's hand- I have to tell you something...

Holly: What is it, Artemis?

Romantic Music: -playing in background-

Artemis: Holly... I... I love you.

Holly: You do? You really and truly love me??

Artemis: Ever since I've met you, yes I have loved you.

Holly: Oh Artemis!

Artemis: Please... call me Arty.

Holly: Oh Arty! –throws arms around his neck and kisses him-

Sovrani: -is miraculously healed of her rabid and cannibal state- SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

–throws heart-shaped confetti all over Arty and Holly-

Lozza: -dancing in circles- SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sovrani: Artemis, I have a question that I have wanted to ask you for a long time... Who do you like better: Holly or Minerva?

Artemis: I love Holly with all my heart. I want to father all her children and sleep next to her every night.

Sovrani and Lozza: Awwww...

Readers: Awwww...

Sovrani: In your face, Minerva! Arty likes Holly better than you!

Minerva: -is dead, completely retarded and covered in blood (FYI, her arm is missing)-

Sovrani and Lozza: SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!!

**(A/N: Squeemish, wasn't that fun? Stay tuned for more!) **


	6. Three Little Pigs

**(Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. Yes, there is nothing that I own! I have nothing! –falls to knees in despair- NOTHING! –cries-)**

**(A/N: I apologise for the long wait between the last chapter and this one. Thank you to those people (WHO DID NOT LEAVE EMAILS) who suggested doing things like "The Little Mermaid" or "Peter Pan." These were excellent ideas, but I'm refraining to do anything by Walt Disney, I need to write fairy tales that have been in books, or on Playschool. Don't ask why, it's a conscience type thing)**

_**THREE LITTLE PIGS**_

Sovrani: Hi all! We're back!

Lozza: We've very carefully written the screenplay for this one and we highly doubt there will be any problems...

Sovrani: This one's for the three little pigs, and to help us... –waves magic wand-

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Lupin: -appear-

Hermione: Ah, crap.

Harry: Ron, please "Avada Kedavra" me right now...

Ron: Anything to spare you, mate. Hermione, will you do me after?

Lupin: Whoa... maybe that wasn't Wolfbane potion I drank earlier...

Lozza: Quiet, you all. We're doing this one for the three little pigs, and you'd better be good about it.

Hermione: -groan-

Sovrani: OK, Ron, you're pig 1, Harry is pig 2 and Hermione is pig 3.

Lozza: And Lupin is the wolf.

Lupin: Oh, har de har har, miss "I'm-the-Authoress-so-I-can-do-anything-I-want"

Sovrani: I've never heard that insult before.

Lozza: Is it an insult?

Sovrani: I don't think so...

Lupin: -falls to knees- It's the best I can do! I'm a poor werewolf on an unemployed salary! Cut me some slack, will you? –sobs hysterically-

Sovrani: Right, can we start the story now? –waves magic wand-

All: -are standing in a big paddock with three little houses-

Lozza: OK, the story. Three pigs who want to build houses. The first pig, who is kind of stupid, builds a house of straw. Ron, that's you.

Ron: -indignantly- How come **I'm **made out to be the stupid one?

Lozza: Uh, because you're dumber than the others.

Ron: Is there any proof?

Sovrani: Yes, in book six, when Harry, Ron and Hermione receive their OWLs, Harry get's an Outstanding on Defence Against the Dark Arts, Hermione gets ten O's and an E, Ron doesn't get any O's at all.

Ron: Do you have to rub my nose in it?

Sovrani: Yes.

Ron: Well, it's not making me feel very happy.

Lozza: We don't care. So the second pig, who isn't much smarter than the first, builds his house out of sticks. That's Harry, by the way.

Harry: How come I'm made out to be dumber than Hermione?

Sovrani: Because you are! Don't make me refer back to my carrot juice-stained copy of "Half-Blood Prince" again!

Hermione: You've desecrated your copy of "Half-Blood Prince"? How dare you!

Lozza: You got **carrot juice** on it? How?

Sovrani: I just did, OK? It was in my school bag on a hot day, and I had carrots for lunch and then-

Hermione: OK, OK! We get it! So are you telling me that I'm the pig that builds her house out of bricks?

Lozza: Yeah, you are. But we don't have any bricks, so we're going to have to use mouldy cheese instead, and sundried tomato dip for mortar.

Hermione: WHAT?

Sovrani: -shrug- We spent all the prop money on the Magic Wand™ and the coffee machine.

Coffee Machine: -breaks-

Lozza: Anyway, the three pigs are in their houses and this wolf comes along that's kind of hungry. That's Lupin.

Lupin: Uh, rawr.

Sovrani: Very well done. So the wolf goes up to the first pigs house and says...

Lupin: -reading from script- Little pig, little pig, let me come in.

Ron: -from inside, reading from script- No, not by the hairs on my chinny, chin, chin.

Sovrani: -snorts- I'm not even going to bother pointing out the errors in that sentence. Is "chinny" even a word?

Ron: And I don't have any hairs on my chin.

Lozza: Pigs do.

Ron: But I'm not a pig, am I?

Lozza: Really? –thinks evil thoughts-

Lupin: -reading from script again- Then I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!

Sovrani: And then the wolf does.

Lupin: -huffs and puffs and blows-

Straw House: -blows away-

Ron: -gives a very pig-like squeal, before Lupin "eats" him-

Lozza: And after eating the pig, and having some red cordial and probably some broccoli with him, the wolf decides he's still hungry and goes off to stalk the next pig.

Lupin: -reading from script again- Little pig, little pig, let me come in.

Harry: -from inside house, also reading from script- No, not by the hairs on my chinny, chin, chin.

Lupin: Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in! –huffs and puffs and blows-

Stick House: -blows away-

Harry: -gives a very pig-like squeal, before Lupin "eats" him-

Sovrani: And the wolf ate the second pig with rice and gravy and some green cordial, but was still hungry and went to stalk the third pig.

Lozza: Now, this pig was smarter than the others...

Hermione: Score!

Lozza: ... And had built a house made of bricks with a Jacuzzi and a Broadband internet connection.

Sovrani: They never said that in the fairy tale...

Lozza: It sounds more interesting.

Sovrani: Just like "mouldy cheese and sundried tomato dip" sounds more interesting than "bricks"!

Lozza: Yeah!

Lozza and Sovrani: -slap high fives-

Lupin, Harry, Ron and Hermione: -exchange frightened glances-

Sovrani: Continuing, this pig was smart and the house was better and the wolf was thinking "uh oh, I'm screwed" but went up to the house anyway and said the line.

Lupin: Little pig, little pig, let me come in.

Hermione: -from inside- No, not by the hairs on my chinny, chin, chin.

Harry and Ron: -giggle girlishly-

Hermione: -from inside- Shut up.

Lupin: Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!

Hermione: -fake gasp-

Lupin: -huffs and puffs and blows-

Mouldy Cheese and Sundried Tomato Dip House: -is fine-

Lupin: -huffs and puffs and blows again-

Mouldy Cheese and Sundried Tomato Dip House: -is fine again-

Lozza: Now the wolf is stuck with a bit of a dilemma. We're going to twist the ending a little so it's a bit happier.

Hermione: But isn't the ending usually happy?

Sovrani: Normally, yes. But this story has a bad ending and we're going to change it.

Ron: What's the normal ending?

Lozza: The wolf decides he can't blow the house IN and realises he can blow it UP instead. He comes back later and blows the house up with dynamite. It exploded due to a gas leak and everyone died.

Harry: That doesn't happen in the real one.

Sovrani: Same story, different versions, and all are true! **(A/N: Quote from Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Mans Chest)**

Lozza: So we're making it the good ending.

Lupin: -reads script- You can't be serious!

Sovrani: Dead serious. Serious. Sirius. Dead Sirius. –hyperventilates due to giggle fit and collapses-

Lupin: -climbs up to the roof and looks down chimney-

Hermione: This is going to be a very good stew indeed!

Lupin: Arrgh! –falls down chimney into pot of boiling water-

Boiling Water: -splashes all around house and melts all the cheese-

Lozza: You have to wonder why they even wrote this version. It would be terribly painful to be boiled alive. I mean, being burnt to death would be really bad, but BOILED? Poor little kids exposed to this Fairy Tale would be having nightmares for weeks!

Hermione: My house! It's ruined! –cries hysterically-

Sovrani: Wait, all is not lost! I have an idea! –whispers something to Lozza-

Lozza: -grins-

_A Few Minutes Later..._

All: -are sitting around a table with little bits of bread on sticks-

Hermione: I actually like this ending.

Ron: Me too. And that's saying something.

Lozza: Should we all say the ending line together?

Harry: Sure.

All: And they all had cheese fondue for dinner and lived happily ever after!

**The End**

**(A/N: Was it good after such a long wait? I hope you all find it in your hearts to forgive me, and you can tell me how good/bad it was by clicking that pretty little button down there.**

**And I'm going to preview here what I am hoping to be a new story, called Horror Movie Spoofs. Starring random characters from the fandom, the first story will be entitled "Screwdriver" and is a takeoff of Saw 2.**

_**Lightbulb: -flickers on-**_

_**Random Dude Called Michael: -sits up with a puffy eye-**_

_**Random Dude Called Michael: -looks around-**_

_**TV Screen: -turns on-**_

_**Clown Puppet: -on TV- Hello Michael. Do you want to play a game?**_

_**Random Dude Called Michael: Sure! Monopoly or Scrabble?**_

**Stay tuned, this fic will appear on an internet browser near you!**

**Sovrani)**


	7. Little Red Riding Hood

**(Disclaimer: **

**Sovrani: -takes up giant branding iron-**

**Characters: Hey, hey, what are you doing?!**

**Sovrani: -stamps "not mine" all over characters that she doesn't own-**

**Characters: Ahhh the pain!)**

**(A/N: Hi all! I felt like writing this because I'm in bed with a cold and I have nothing better to do. Also, I've barricaded myself in my room, because I'm easily annoyed, according to the fact that I'll be breathing unattractively through my mouth for the next couple of days. Read and enjoy!)**

Little Red Riding Hood

Sovrani: Welcome back to "The Truth of Fairy Tales!"

Lozza: You are now free to kiss the ground we walk on and give us all the chocolate eggs you received for Easter.

Sovrani: What about chocolate bunnies?

Lozza: Those too.

Sovrani: Brilliant. OK, this time around we're doing Little Red Riding Hood and to help us we have chosen... –waves magic wand-

Random Fact Generator: For your information, the so called "magic wand" that Sovrani continues to use is in fact one of the ones bought of eBay, which runs off fifty four watch batteries, and has a plastic star stuck on the tip. It can be used to change settings, summon fictional characters, and it also plays a little song when you press the button and-

Lozza: -starts hitting Random Fact Generator with magic wand- It can also be used to beat the hell out of annoying Random Fact Generators.

Random Fact Generator: For your information, the word "hell" is often used inappropriately. For example, some people say "cold as Hell," which is incorrect because Hell is often made out to be full of fire and-

Sovrani and Lozza: -pick up Random Fact Generator and throws it off a cliff-

Sovrani: -dusts off hands- And that's the last we'll see of one of those Random Generator thingies.

Random Question Generator: -appears at the codewords "Random", "Generator" and "Thingies"- Hello, I am the Random Question Generator. Would you care to answer some of my questions?

Lozza: No we wouldn't!

Random Question Generator: Alright then. Question one, What kind of shoelaces are you wearing?

Sovrani: We're wearing thongs.

Random Question Generator: Question two, Which species of Rodent would you prefer to take out to dinner?

Lozza: Are these questions necessary?

Sovrani: Of course not, the Random Question Generator is a program that I was writing sometime last year. Of course, it never got anywhere.

Random Question Generator: Question three, How long is your households' longest extension cord?

Sovrani: Alright, I'm sick of this thing. –heaves Random Question Generator over cliff-

Lozza: Alright, let's start this thing.

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Holly, Artemis, Butler and Root: -appear-

Root: I think I had one too many cruisers...

Holly: Not again... –spots Root- Julius! You're alive.

Root: Eep.

Holly: -runs over to Root and hugs him around the middle- I'm SO glad to see you! I thought you had died when that thing exploded, but now you're here in the flesh and very much alive! We will celebrate tonight, and-

Root: Holly, I am dead. I removed the girly little fluffy feathery wings, but at least this shiny thing above my head should give you a clue.

Holly: -stares at shiny thing- Ooh, shiny...

Artemis: Butler, could you please...

Butler: -grabs Holly before she makes a move for the shiny thing- Nice to see you again, Julius.

Root: It's been a while.

Lozza: I'd hate to interrupt this little reunion-

Artemis: -scowls- Yes, you would, wouldn't you?

Lozza: -but we really must get started.

Sovrani: Alright, this time it's Little Red Riding hood, and we're casting Holly as Little Red.

Holly: Whatever, so long as I'm not a princess again. –looks at Artemis and blushes FOR SOME REASON- Well, being a princess was okay, I guess.

Root: Am I missing something here?

Sovrani: Not at all. And for the wolf, we have Artemis.

Artemis: DO I have wear some kind of fluffy suit?

Lozza: I'm afraid so.

Artemis: -has frightening mental images of himself wearing a bear suit- O gods...

Sovrani: Butler is the woodcutter who saves them all.

Butler: Finally! A role that allows me to show what a hero I am!

Lozza: Incidentally, you're going to have to wear overalls.

Butler: -curses-

Lozza: And we're casting Root as the Granny.

Root: I'm new to this kind of thing, what are you making me do.

Sovrani: We're dressing you up as an old woman.

Root: -face turns purple-

Lozza: But let us start.

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

All: Are standing in the middle of the woods.

Lozza: And we begin. There's a little girl called Little Red Riding Hood.

Sovrani: I'm interrupting already. What kind of name is Little Red Riding Hood? People call her that because she wears a red hood most of the time, but what about when she's not wearing the hood?

Lozza: Yeah, would they call her "fluffy panda pyjamas" when she's getting ready for bed?

Sovrani: But yeah, her name is Little Red Riding Hood and we're calling her Red just for short.

Holly: One problem, I don't have a red hood.

Sovrani: -waves magic wand-

Holly: -is wearing red hood- Alright, fine.

Lozza: So Red gets a call from her grandmother saying that she's sick.

Sovrani: So Red packs a basket full of nice food and sets off through the forest to get to her granny's house.

Lozza: Which is really dangerous, considering she's only a child.

Holly: Hey, I'm like seven decades older than you!

Lozza: Fine, fine! But it's dangerous for the character.

Sovrani: She's walking, walking, walking. Then she notices some flowers just off the path and decides to pick some for her granny.

Holly: -starts picking flowers- -sneezes- I'm allergic to these. –sneezes again-

Sovrani: Sorry. She keeps picking flowers and strays a little too far away from the path.

Lozza: Of course, when a normal child is lost, they would get their mobile phones with the 2.4 megapixels camera and call their mum. But in fairy tales, there are not mobile phones or TV's, so this is the part where we need the wolf.

Artemis: -is shoved onstage wearing a fluffy wolf suit- -reads from script- Hello little girl.

Holly: -tries to keep a straight face- Hello.

Artemis: -reading from script- Lost, are we?

Holly: Yes. –giggles, but disguises it as a cough-

Artemis: Where are you heading to?

Holly: -bursts out laughing-

Artemis: I can't work like this! I refuse to do it!

Sovrani: You'll do it, Artemis. Get up right now.

Artemis: Fine. –reads from script- Where are you heading to?

Holly: -between laughs- My grandmothers house.

Artemis: Where's that?

Holly: At the other end of the big scary woods.

Artemis: Would you like me to take you back to the path?

Holly: Yes please.

Lozza: The wolf leads Red back to the path, she thanks him and sets off again. In the meantime, the wolf takes a bit of a shortcut and runs ahead to granny's house.

Sovrani: Julius, you're going to have to get into costume now.

Root: -sighs- Fine. –is suddenly wearing a granny costume and hair curlers-

Artemis: -starts laughing-

Root: Shut it, Mud Boy. –gets into granny's bed-

Artemis: -knocks on front door of the house-

Root: -in high pitched voice- Who is it?

Artemis: -in equally high pitched voice- It's Little Red Riding Hood!

Root: -still in high pitched voice- Come in dear!

Artemis: -goes inside-

Lozza: Alright, then the wolf eats granny and gets into her clothes. Which he didn't eat, of course.

Artemis: That's disgusting!

Root: I'll just leave until you need me next. –leaves-

Artemis: -gets into granny clothing and puts on a mask and gets into bed-

Sovrani: Then Red comes to the door.

Holly: -knocks on door-

Artemis: -in high pitched voice- Who is it?

Holly: -in regular voice- It's me granny.

Artemis: -in high pitched voice- Come in dear!

Holly: -goes inside- Granny?

Artemis: -still in high pitched voice- In my room, dear!

Holly: -goes into room- Granny! You certainly look sick!

Artemis: -high pitched voice, still- Well, I'll get better soon, thank you for your concern.

Holly: Granny, what big eyes you have!

Artemis: -in high pitched voice- All the better to see you with, my dear.

Holly: Granny, what big ears you have!

Artemis: -in HPV- All the better to hear you with, my dear.

Holly: Granny, what a lovely hairnet you've got on!

Artemis: -in HPV- All the better to... –normal voice- Hey, that's not fair!

Holly: -rolls on ground laughing-

Sovrani: Holly, get the hell up and tell granny what big teeth she's got.

Holly: Or what?

Lozza: -with Neutrino-

Holly: OK. –turns to Artemis again-

Artemis: -looks annoyed-

Holly: Granny, what big teeth you have!

Artemis: -in growly voice- All the better to eat you with!

Holly: Ahhh!

Sovrani: So the wolf eats her, and after this lovely meal he decides to go to sleep.

Artemis: -pretends to fall asleep-

Holly: -leaves to get a coffee-

Lozza: Now the woodcutter comes in.

Butler: -walks around outside wearing overalls- I don't like this costume.

Sovrani: We don't care. The woodcutter sees the wolf and guesses what happens, so he kills the wolf, cuts him open and get's granny and Red out of his stomach.

Lozza: Which is so impossible I'm not even going to bother saying it!

Holly and Root: We're alive. Hooray everyone.

Artemis: And I'm dead.

Everyone: -cheers-

Sovrani: And they all lived happily ever after. Now let's get out of here before...

The REAL Little Red Riding Hood: -comes in- Granny, have you seen my hood? Someone's taken it. –sees everyone-

Holly: Lozza, where'd you get this hood?

Lozza: I just found it lying around! In an apartment on the top floor of a high rise building... and at the back of a cupboard in a little locked box...

Little Red: Uhhh Granny?

The REAL Granny: Yes dear, in the kitchen! –walks inside-

Everyone: -stares at everyone else-

Sovrani: Whoa, this is awkward.

Root: Ya think?

Granny: What are you doing here?

Sovrani: Let me explain. We're doing a fanfiction explaining the problems in fairy tales, and to do that we do a play using other characters from the fandom.

Little Red: Why are you here, though?

Lozza: We needed a location to do the play.

Little Red: And why did you steal my hood?

Holly: That wasn't my fault, it was Lozza.

Granny: Did you find any problems in this fairy tale?

Sovrani: -pulls out clipboard- The first one we noticed was Little Red's name.

Little Red: For your information, I have a real name, but nobody can pronounce it properly so I changed it to something simple.

Artemis: I can pronounce all kinds of things, what's your name?

Little Red: Xybenkrltrgds.

Artemis: -blinks-

Little Red: Told you.

Root: What's your mother's name?

Little Red: Aroogrystexyls.

Sovrani: Well, thank you for your time, but we really must be leaving...

Granny: Oh no, I couldn't usher you out! Stay for some tea and cookies.

Lozza: Cookies? Sovrani, I think we can stay a little longer.

Holly: Me too.

Butler: Me three.

Artemis: Me four.

Root: Me five.

Sovrani: All right, why not?

All: -sit down for cookies-

Lozza and Sovrani: See you next time!

**The End**

**(A/N: Aren't I just SO inventive to think up a name for Little Red that no one could pronounce? That's right, I am. Now, review?**

**Oh and I almost forgot. HAPPY EASTER!! To those that celebrate, of course)**


End file.
